Bill Macy : The Sacrifices He Made to Marry the Woman He Loves

Bill Macy spent fifty years searching for himself; it's a fact he candidly admits. During those years, he made some decisions that were detrimental to himself as a person and to his career. Even after he had gained popularity as Walter on the successful television series Maude, Bill sometimes found himself surrounded by adverse publicity. He was never proud of his habits, and yet he never showed any shame, for whatever he did was another step in seeking the real Bill Macy.

The most instrumental influence in eventually concluding Bill's search was young actress Samantha Harper, whom Bill met during the filming of the movie version of Oh, Calcutta. When he later signed for his TV role he asked Sam to travel to Hollywood with him, the couple having already taken up residence together in New York. Sam, as Bill calls the woman is his life, agreed, and during the ensuing three years the couple collectively and individually sought out that almost indefinable element that would make them confident within themselves.

For Bill especially, it took a great deal of sacrificing, modifying his attitudes and ideas, but he did it, and on a sunny but cool day this past May, Bill reached what he feels is the pinnacle of his growth when he stood next to Sam and they became husband and wife. It was a simple and private ceremony in a small chapel at Big Sur, Calif., compatible to both their tastes. A few years ago they would have had to write their own marital vows to feel that the event was complete, but on their wedding day they had the same feeling of fulfillment by quietly and reverently exchanging the words that millions of other people have used before them.

Reflecting on their decision to wed and the changes he personally has undergone in recent years, Bill is quiet-spoken, sincere, and candid.

"When I came out here three years ago," he says in almost a whisper, "I was scared to death. It was a basic insecurity, not uncommon in all actors, but mine was compounded because I'd been frightened all my life. Of what? Myself. I grew up with an older brother and sister and a younger sister, and they're all married with families. I've always considered my family what I call average, normal American citizens.

"But me, I was the abnormal one in the sense that you have to be a little abnormal to go into show business. I don't mean that literally," he says with a chuckle, "but when I had set out to do something for myself as a young man, I just couldn't find my expression any other way.

"Okay," he says calmly, "then, I bounced around this business until I'm almost 50 years old, making enough money to survive but never any to live what you'd call a comfortable life. I married twice, had no kids either time. My first wife was smart. I was ten years older than she was and I remember once we had a pillow fight and during it she called me grandpa or grandfather. And I guess I was because I couldn't really get into that kind of thing. I couldn't let myself open up, to let go! I think she was smart because she needed that kind of thing and I was unable to give it to her.

"My second marriage lasted nine years, though I'm not sure how. You see, that was the low point in my life emotionally because I wasn't functioning as an actor. But besides that, I had found myself in a very bad place. I had a major problem which I was unable to discover or define until one day in a restaurant.

"I used to say yes when I meant no. I wouldn't make waves. After all those years of doing whatever came to me instinctively, as a kid, I reverted to being just the opposite. In my private moments I recognized that I wanted to say no when I meant no, and I wanted to say yes when I meant yes! Most prominent in those thoughts was that I didn't want to do any of that with this woman.

"I want to be free"

"So finally one day we were in this small restaurant in Brooklyn, and she looked across the table at me and said, 'What do you really want?' I looked up at her and I said, 'I want to be free.' Suddenly I said what I really felt. I looked at myself honestly in a mirror.

"Well," he says excitedly, "that was a major step, but it wasn't the full step, because professionally I was far from where I wanted to be. Anyway, I met Sam and we moved out here, and the thing about Sam is that she's very much herself. She's not a follower, and she's not going to lead either. She stands on her own two feet, and anyone who is a part of her life is going to stand on his too!

"So what had happened to me in the past couple of years is that I've taken another stride in believing in myself. I'm no longer afraid. I know who I am and where I'm at. Certainly," he exclaims, "the success of the show, the security of a weekly paycheck, has had a lot to do with that. But also, Sam was a good example to follow. I've always been a slow one to blossom, and yet, once I began to bloom, as it were, once I sort of got in step with what Sam was doing with her life, I was able to stand on my own."

Part of that has entailed not only a change philosophically for Bill, but emotionally and physically.

"For a long time," he explains, "Sam and I played this game about marriage. And part of that game was that my first two wives proposed to me. I had always said that the next time I got married I was going to say those words, 'Will you marry me?' and I did it! I said that, and Sam said yes!

"And what that did," Bill continues, "is ease that little bit of tension that exists when you're just living together. You know, there's always that little bit of doubt. You're always aware, way back in your mind, that either party can pack up and split at any time. But when you make that commitment of marriage, all of that insecurity is gone."

There's a special gleam in Bill's eyes as he makes the comment, and it's only enhanced when he adds, "and of course part of that is the always-present awareness that having children is a part of being married. I'm not saying we have any plans, but that's part of making such a commitment."

"Sound mind, sound body"

He hesitates as if contemplating that "first" in his life and he adds: "There's an old Greek saying about 'sound mind, sound body,' and that's part of the change in me. I think everyone reaches a point in their lives when they aren't particularly pleased with what they see in the mirror physically. That too has had something to do with me being able to marry.

"I decided," he explains in detailing even more sacrifices he's made in his life, "that I had to do something about my health. Not that I was ill, but I felt sluggish, not quite right. So I went to a doctor and he told me I needed exercise and a diet. He didn't give me anything specifically to do, but I chose tennis, and I learned the game and now I play almost every morning. I joined a tennis club and I play constantly.

"Along with that, I watch what I eat. It's not a diet where you count calories. It's just that I used to eat a sandwich for breakfast, and another one for lunch, and then maybe I'd have hamburger and starches for dinner. I was overweight, flabby in the mid-section, you know?

"Now, and for sometime, I have a good, healthy breakfast after I play tennis, I don't have any lunch other than maybe some fruit, and then for dinner maybe Sam and I will split a steak, have some fresh vegetables and that's it! And what has happened, I've lost weight and I feel great.

That was a hard thing for me to," he says candidly, "because it takes discipline. That's something else I had to learn, and don't think it wasn't hard. For a guy who's spent all these years living one life and suddenly changing it, it was damn difficult.

"But it was worth it, oh," he exclaims, "it was worth it. I feel better, I know I look better on screen, and I am better. I probably have not been in such good health since I was a kid!"

A very happy man

Such sacrifices have been very significant to Bill, especially since it's been culminated in marriage. An observer can tell by the expression on his face that he is a very happy man.

"We played everything pretty loose with our marriage," he says. "When we finished the show Sam and I flew first to her mother's in Mississippi, and then went up and saw my mother in New York, and then came back home. Then we just looked at the calendar and picked out the most convenient date and drove up north, found a chapel and got married.

When the ceremony was over, we just sort of found our way back home. We've travelled like that before. Just got in the car and drove throughout the Northwest, taking pictures, seeing the sights, relaxing and enjoying the beauty we saw and getting into each other. That's how we like to live," he says.

Such an informal attitude is unlike that which Bill used to live. By his own admission everything in his life always used to have to be thoroughly organized. Adjusting to a more relaxed attitude is part of his own learning process. He's had to sacrifice many ideals that were an important part of his life, but doing that, and foregoing those habits that had been negative influences in his life, Bill knows he's not only a better man, but a happier one.

-FLORA RAND

*from TV Radio Mirror, July 1975